The C word

As a writer and a lover of expressing my (usually strong) opinions, I like to periodically take a break from the fashion and travel content and use this platform to talk about the things that matter most to me. Feminism, fate, careers, the ways of the world. But something I've actually never discussed here is one that I'm very vocal about in real life. Children. Or more specifically, not having children.

A right to choose

I'm going to say something radical here; children are not a given in life, however badly society wants us to believe that they are. You're born, you grow up, you get a job, you get married, you raise children, then you retire on a cruise when you're old. That's the way it goes right? Except, certainly in this day and age, that idea is being challenged on every front. People are realising that a career can look a LOT different than the traditional 9-5, that marriage may not be for everyone and that children are optional.

I for one have been kind of ahead of the curve in that way. I know a lot of women who have been indoctrinated to believe that they'd someday want to have children and it's taken until their twenties to realise it's not for them. I've known it since I was 16.

My reasons for not wanting children are 3 fold, I suppose. Number 1, I don't like children. Although I guess a lot of people don't like children but they end up liking their own. Number 2, I love my life the way it is. My life is fabulous and I don't want it to change; children inevitably change your life in almost every way. And number 3 is probably the most compelling; I have no desire to live the life of a parent. Being a parent means you always have to put someone else first, that simple tasks (like popping to the shops) become a huge hassle, that any form of entertainment or holiday become centred on what a child would enjoy (rather than what I would enjoy), and it's a commitment you make for life.

"You'll change your mind when you're older"

I've always been quite open about the fact that I don't want children; I don't think it should be a taboo for a woman to have no desire to become a mother. But the infuriating response I'm usually met with is "you'll change your mind when you're older" (or even worse "you'll change your mind when you meet the right person"). 

I've always found it odd to be so dismissive of a person's choices, especially when you wouldn't find it in any other context. If I said I did want children some day in the future, I wouldn't be told that I'd change my mind. When I said I wanted a career in marketing, I wasn't told I'd change my mind. When I say I want to get married, I'm not told that I'll change my mind.

People seem to think I'm perfectly capable of making my own decisions without being questioned, except when it goes against the status quo. The only way I can interpret this kind of response is to believe that they're misunderstanding me. They think I'm saying I don't want children now, rather than that I don't want children full stop.

Life is not linear

There's a difference between not being ready, and not being interested. There are loads of people who know they want children some day, but they know they're not ready yet (whether that's because of age, finances, career or wanting to do other things first). That's a perfectly valid response too by the way, but it's just not the way I feel. Since I was 16, I've known that children is not something I ever picture in my future. I've felt that way for nearly 10 years now, so anyone who believed I was too young to know what I wanted back then, underestimated my own self assurance.

Now this part is the part that most people struggle to get their head around. I'm not naïve enough to guarantee that I'll never change my mind. Absolute certainty doesn't exist. No one can ever say never about anything because we just simply don't know what the future holds. I might turn around and decide I want to be an architect when I'm in my forties. But right now, I never picture myself wanting that and it would take a very strange turn of events to get me there. You see what I did there? It's the same for my view on having children.

Hollywood needs to update its thinking

I suppose it's a more important conversation to discuss women deciding they don't want children, rather than people as a whole. Women have historically taken on a hell of a lot more of the parenting responsibilities and the risk of the actual having of children is entirely on them. Plus, I guess that women and their roles as wives and mothers are largely rooted in patriarchy (the idea that women are more valuable in their obligations to other people than they are as individuals). Side note; I've always hated seeing men express their love for women by saying something along the lines of 'I love everything you do for me' (a fact that Ollie knows and so my valentines/anniversary cards are always based on what he loves about me).

Anyway, I digress. So because it's more important to explore women not wanting children, it's a topic that films and TV shows are dipping into more frequently now. However, they're not doing a very good job. They use it as a trope to create conflict in relationships and almost always, have the woman change her mind in the end. Why don't we ever get to see the story of the woman who decides she doesn't want children, sticks to her decision and lives happily ever after?

Compatibility on children should be a relationship deal breaker

I guess the reason it's shown in films and TV a lot is because it's certainly an interesting topic to explore; one person in a relationship knows they want children eventually and the other person knows they never do. It's certainly not a simple problem but perhaps controversially, I believe there's a simple answer. It should be a deal breaker for that relationship.

Relationships are all about compromises; they ebb and flow as the two people need them to. But when it comes to children, there isn't really an option for compromise (you can't halfway have them, can you?). If one partner definitely wants them and one person definitely doesn't, one person is going to have to make a sacrifice to make it work.

I think people should get what they want out of life, generally speaking. If you want children, you should be able to be blessed with them. If you don't want children, you shouldn't be forced down the path of having them. So you shouldn't wait around for someone to change their mind and potentially sacrifice something you really want in the process. And you certainly shouldn't have children unless you really want them, as being a parent isn't something you just do until your child turns 18, it's a role you have for life. My mum and dad are certainly just as much there for me to lean on now as they have been throughout my childhood.

I think if the two people are just on different timelines then there's a way around that. If you both want children but one wants them earlier than the other person envisages then there's a discussion to be had. But I suppose it's important if you feel like you might not want children, to decipher if that's not now or not ever.

My grandma used to say that my not wanting children might mean I wouldn't find a partner. When she asked what would happen if I met someone who wanted children, I answered plainly that they wouldn't be the right one for me. 

And I simply love being able to tell my grandma I told you so. I feel very lucky to have found Ollie; someone who wants what I want, and someone who I can build a future with with confidence. We can plan for a life filled with enjoyment, that looks very much like the life we have now; one of travel and fine dining and spontaneous outings and spending all of our money on whatever we see fit. And when I say that that's the childless life I plan to continue to enjoy, it shouldn't be down to anyone else to question the validity of that choice.